questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website
and the answers are typically Ozy - and of course, all true
1. Q: Does it ever get
windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney -
can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes
in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names
and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in
Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville
and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about
hippo racing in Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which
direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you
get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that
is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia?
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia?
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania
where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia?
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and
is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in
Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal
in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out
of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You
can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go out walking.
20. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and
I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.
Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
21. Q: Will I be able to speek English most
places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.