BARS Warning ...

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about
an emergent epidemic of BARS virus

A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have originated in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease is noted to particularly affect people who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. How the disease is transmitted is still being disputed, but clear estimates of three billion people world-wide have been affected, and perhaps most disturbingly some thousands
of new cases are appearing daily.

Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. An odd symtom of this condition is that this urge appears to be most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked arguing. An additional manifestation of this condition is an uncontrolled urge, often at late and inappropriate hours of the morning, to make rambling and totally non-coherant phone calls, particularly to ex-boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred, bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with other fellow victims until last call or all the
symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce. On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a permanent cure .


It is believed that a small but dedicated group of polish nuns are working dilligently on an immunisation strategy.

Have you been immunised ?

Thanks Gaz


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